“After some long … hard … thoughts … I’ve decided it’s time for me to let go of my mistress ‘American Idol’ before she boils my rabbit,” Tyler said in a statement. “I strayed from my first love, Aerosmith, and I’m back — but instead of begging on my hands and knees, I’ve got two fists in the air and I’m kicking the door open with my band. The next few years are going to be dedicated to kicking some serious ass — the ultimate in auditory takeover … On Nov. 6, we are unleashing our new album, Music from Another Dimension on the Earth, Moon, Mars, and way beyond the stars … “Idol” was over-the-top fun, and I loved every minute of it … Now it’s time to bring Rock Back. ERMAHGERD.”—
I feel rather sheepish. I know it’s been a long time since we chatted. My life got hectic and internet was scarce. But that was no reason to abandon you. It’s nice to have you as my blog. To be honest ( and, really, if you can’t be honest on your blog, where can you be?), I like puking out my thoughts onto the interwebs. Not many read my wordvomit, but that’s really okay. I think. I mean, most people want to be heard. Believe they have something unique to tell the world. I’m pretty sure I don’t. Most likely everything I say has been said a thousand times over. And, do I want to be heard? Probably. I do love the sound of my own voice. But this place isn’t really about me being heard or saying something profound. I want this place to be about me becoming….well…just becoming. I have no idea what I’ll turn out to be. Hopefully, it’s better and more evolved that what I exist as now, but that’s really up to the blossoming me. I don’t want to put limits or conditions on who I will someday be. The only statute I place on this self development is that I want to wake up someday and think, “….hey…. All of “that”was totally worth it.”
So. No, this is about the people reading, or NOT reading, my seemingly inconsequential words. This is all about me becoming. And, I know that sounds selfish, and it really is. But, that’s okay for now.
So, the other night I was laying in my bed, gazing at my Disney princesses poster, thinking to myself, “Where has my life gone wrong?” Because somewhere along the line, I tried to turn innocent fiction into obsessive non-fiction. For instance, I am not:
A. A princess
B. Unhumanly gorgeous
C. Able to break out in songs that make lyrical or musical sense on the spot
D. A mermaid
Or, E. Asian
And, I can’t change these things. No matter how many times I attempt to stay underwater for hours and swim with my legs pressed together, the result will stay the same: I will pass out and it will not be attractive.
Despite the unspoken promises that were made in my youth from Disney, I will never, ever be Belle. I will always stand over 5’ 8” (until osteoprosis hits). I will never be a size 2. And, most importantly, I can never even attempt to be Asian!!!!
When you see all this you may feel bad for me, and I’m okay with that, because it does kinda suck.
But after I went down that depression spiral, I heard a noise. I disregarded it and kept feeling sorry for myself.
But then I heard it again and I obviously, and logically, thought that there was a serial killer in my basement that was going to cut off my limbs. But it was much, much worse than that.
A MOUSE WAS RUNNING AROUND IN MY ROOM, POOPING AND PEEING, AND EATING MY MILK CHOCOLATE CHIPS THAT ARE RESERVED FOR SPECIAL OCCASIONS!!!!!
It. Was. Terrrifying.
So, I screamed and ran upstairs. Mostly because of the shock of the mouse leaping out at me. It was actually cute. But, just because it was cute did not mean I wanted it crawling around on me during the night.
As I was lying on the couch, thinking about humane mouse traps, I thought, “Disney didn’t prepare me for this.” The DP’s are awesome, but they don’t really do anything practical. (Okay, Ariel combing her hair with a fork could be practical in some situations.)
Let’s just face it: I am going to have to save my own day.
And that’s pretty much it. This didn’t have any real point or value to it. I apologize if you read this far.
I dropped out of college. Well. I “withdrew”. It was a huge big ordeal. Correction: the actual withdrawing took a total of 10 ten minutes, starting when I parked my car in the lot, to when I got back in the car and hyperventilated. It was super cool.
The hard part of withdrawing was explaining the reasoning behind it. I’d been thinking about it for awhile. Like, since Halloween. And then over Christmas break, everything just came to a head and (I know this is gonna sound super cliche/hokey. Be prepared.) I had this intense moment of clarity. And I saw myself from outside myself and didn’t care for what I was looking at. So, during a road trip to New York with my BFF, Staci, I just blurted it out.
The convo went as follows.
Yup. THAT. Was my life changing moment. I know. I’m pretty eloquent.
After that, we talked about it and I started talking about why and BOOM. That’s when I had my totally cliche defining moment. I realized I had gone on to UNI for terrible reasons and that I wasn’t happy there at all because of this.
And suddenly, I was tired of just being the same old me, that wasn’t really me at all.
I was tired of pushing down MY wants.
I was tired of doing things simply becasue they were convenient.
But mostly, I was just tired.
So, I slept on it.
I called my mom, who was considerably shocked and I think dismayed. And that kinda tore me up. But, it didn’t stop me. I had gone to far. Ultimately, the state of my college career was put into the hands of my boss at the hospital. If she had a space for me, I was outta there. There was a space for me.
The ball started rolling and it still hasn’t stopped. I feel like I’ve been running since I really decided to withdraw. And, surprisingly, it isn’t such a bad feeling.
There’s much more to the story, but that’s for another blog.
I’ve decided to start an exercise regimen. This will require me to blog it up every other day. I’m still ironing out all the details, but by next week, I will be bringing them to you, the public. Well, the five people following me. Whatevs.
Listen, I’ve got this problem. I’m a little sick of you right now. Not to be melodramatic or anything… Actually. There are times when I am very melodramatic. On purpose. So deal with it. I might not always be mature or “well-adjusted”. And I don’t think that’s a crime.
Right now, I’m just mad at you. No, it’s not you’re fault, I know. It’s the people who mill about on your surface. They just get to me.
Sometimes I wish I could move to a different planet, like…California. Leave behind all my acquaintances/”friends”, and just create a whole new life.
But. That’s just romantic dreaming.
So for now, I’ll just be mad at you. It’s much easier to rage at you. You don’t rage back.
Wednesdays are nawt fun. At awll. Well, except Bethany and I are gonna have Funday Wednesday, and I think we’re gonna paint and watch a movie (A Midsummer Night’s Dream!!!) and probably eat pumpkin chocolate chip pancakes. We made….a lot. By trial and error.
But, really, the best things come form trial and error. Because such things are those tried (see what I did there?). Tested. And found, if not worthy, decent and acceptable. And even if the first batch comes back lacking the right amount of cinnamon, or a crucial ingredient such as baking powder, what matters is that the batter was modified, made better, made stronger.
And that is a remarkable thing! The batter does not simply have to stay weak, unconvincing, disappointed in itself! It gets more cinnamon, adds some baking powder and look! It’s a pancake! A wonderfully delicious awesome pancake! Because, while all the “standard” ingredients were added, the pancake has it’s own unique recipe that will never be duplicated.
Also, its a PUMPKIN CHOCLATE CHIP pancake! Which is pretty boss. If you’re asking me, that is.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”